Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Don't Just Do Something, Sit There

This morning I will drop Finn and Lucy off at their day-long program in Brooklyn and head upstate for sesshin. It is always a little (or a lot) nerve-wracking. First there are the many complications of exiting my life for six days and dumping all my responsibilities onto Dan. He is amazingly nice about it. I like to think he benefits in some way from this whole thing but I think it is safe to say that it isn't exactly tit for tat.

Then there is the knowledge that, no matter what happens, I will be different by the end. There is simply no way anyone can sit still for that much time and not change in some. So that's a little scary.

And then there is the mere fact of getting out the door. Last time I forgot my toothbrush and my pajamas. They were patiently sitting on my bed, waiting to get in my bag, but they never did. When I arrived and noticed my lack of toothbrush, I very nearly turned right around. A thought too horrible to imagine. (Ok, imagining people in terrible disasters, homeless people, and all sorts of reasons why someone might go six days without brushing their teeth and feeling very grateful that this is not me right now.) Fortunately, they had extras. This time I decided to pack ahead of time. I know, crazy talk.

Then there is getting up at 3:50 am.

Then there is the anxiety that sitting there doing nothing is doing nothing.

Then there is the fact that now I wear a student robe and can't hide my mistakes behind "hey I am a beginner, what do I know?"

Then there is the fact that I love it. That all the pain, sleeplessness, and yes, anxiety, is a tiny wrinkle in comparison to what happens when you sit still for a good long while.

Yup, I think that about covers it. Have a wonderful week!

1 comment:

OfTroy said...

i am not much of church goer, but when i do go, it is to the quaker meeting house.

even in 1 hour doses, sitting in quiet contemplations, doing nothing is good for the soul.