Friday, July 17, 2009

If Stuck...

For the past couple of weeks my zazen has, not to put too fine a point on it, sucked.  I know I am not supposed to have gaining ideas about it and blah, blah, blah...but it has sucked and I know it.  For no real reason, my mind has been racing around, planning this and that, congratulating myself on being clever, and all sorts of other fairly useless things.  I tried to keep noticing it and re-focus, but part of me was in some kind of rebellion or something.  Who or what I was rebelling against, I am not exactly sure.  

Many was the morning when I went to dedicate my efforts at the end that I felt I should be issuing a formal apology for being such a lame-ass instead.  I am so sorry generous teachers and ancestors!

Add to that an upper back injury that has made my yoga more than a little tentative.  It forced me to back off on some of the more challenging poses that I had been so enjoying earlier in the summer and thus make me feel like I am not measuring up (again to whom?).

Needless to say, there have been a couple of mornings when I just said "screw it - who needs ya" to whole shebang.  But somehow those days sucked even more; felt even more like things were off-kilter.  I secretly knew that what was needed was not backing off or slacking off but to press onward, with renewed effort.

This morning I dilly-dallied, had a cup of tea, checked email and finally, when the kids did not give me my needed excuse by getting up and making noise, I finally sat on my pillow.

A little less sucky today.

And on my yoga mat...also less sucky.

Why?  Who knows?  Just keep pressing onward.

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